December 31, 2007

Prince Charming, Society, Landfills

  1. Prince Charming's exact country of rulership has never been found on a map. Some might argue he was a charlatan trying to scam poor Sleeping Beauty of her virtue. Noteworthy of evidence is that he never asked her for a kiss, but stole it when after she was slipped a mickey.
  2. Go ahead, question society. Society isn't a person. Change people, and so then, change society. Starts with you.
  3. Landfills aren't full yet. We have work to do. Start throwing your cigarette butts in the trash please, and not on the ground.

December 30, 2007

Coffee, Turnips, Sunday Morning Coming Down

  1. Coffee, made from a bean… can it be counted as a vegetable? I eat meat, dairy, bread, with a cup of my favorite beverage, am I good?
  2. Changes made to your internet protocol address are not called turnips.
  3. Sundays are popular days. Spanky and Our Gang sang, "Sundays Will Never Be the Same," and Johnny Cash sang, "Sunday Morning Coming Down." God, on ther hand, after an especially busy week creating everything, took a day off.

December 29, 2007

Preachers, Pianofortes, Chopsticking

  1. A picture is worth a thousand preachers. A picture lived by a preacher is worth a thousand sermons.
  2. A pianoforte is not a really cool tree house made up of old Steinways.
  3. Chinese food. Why is it that it must be eaten with chopsticks? Forks still work, yet there we are, chopsticking.

December 28, 2007

Sanity, Jaguars, Important Things

  1. Can someone who is insane be tried for temporary sanity?
  2. Most people look good wearing a Jaguar automobile. Oak trees, however, do not look as good wearing the same.
  3. In many lives, the most important thing is not the most important thing. Go figure.

December 27, 2007

Graceland, WWW, M&Ms

  1. 600,000 people are visiting Elvis Presley's Graceland each year. How many are visits from Elvis himself?
  2. WWW is often used in front of website domains. What if we used bbb? Brockeim's Best Banter? It could work. Start the revolution.
  3. M&Ms are surprisingly tasty with coffee.
special shout out to Joan Perry's website/blog Walk This Way. She discovered the Brockeim way of thinking as through a watch I reviewed.

December 26, 2007

Day After Christmas, Billy Joel, Plastics

  1. It was the day after Christmas, and all through the (where are you?), not a creature was stirring, not even a (small animal or other animated, living creature rhyming with your location)...
  2. Billy Joel sang, "Only the good die young." Poor guy. He's old.
  3. When will we start calling glasses 'plastics'?

December 25, 2007

Wine Maker, Holidays, Logan

  1. Lift a glass today for the one who made water into wine.
  2. 'Holiday' is a complex word rarely dissected by those who do not celebrate them.
  3. When Logan was in daycare, he was told, "Trust no one over 3."

December 24, 2007

Taking Care of Business. Tomorrow, Where the Sidewalk Ends

  1. Taking care of business is rarely said in the plural, or by Bill Gates who, evidently, has.
  2. Tomorrow is like a burger without cheese... Incomplete.
  3. Just because you know where the sidewalk ends doesn't mean you know why you want to go there. Be content where you are and so then you'll always be content when you get there.

December 23, 2007

Mike Huckabee, Christmas, Water

  1. Concealed weapons. Does this mean Jackie Chan can keep his hands in his pockets when walking down the street? What would Mike Huckabee say?
  2. Christmas is not just for retailers. It used to be known as a celebration by Christians in anticipation of Jesus Christ, both as a child, but also, as symbollic as they also currently are waiting his second coming.
  3. Drinking water is almost impossible. Or, at least, drinking water without chemicals.

December 22, 2007

Catapults, Coffee, Rice

  1. Catapults cause felines much fear, or, at least, the ones which understand English. The fear is unreasonable, as catapults do not, usually, throw cats, but few cats are smart enough to discern this. All the dogs chuckle, having read about this online.
  2. Coffee, when made in the morning, should be drank in the morning. And the evening. Come on, make some already.
  3. Rice is smaller than corn.

December 21, 2007

Standards, Black Ice, Hummingbirds

  1. Show me someone who has standards, and I'll show you someone with few friends. Show me someone without standards, and I'll show you someone with no friends.
  2. Black ice does not refer to diamonds sold or used illegally and unofficially as payment for stolen paintings. Drive carefully.
  3. It is a rare thing to have a hummingbird land on your nose. If it happens, tell your friends.

December 20, 2007

Whiskey, Thinking, Business Cards

  1. Whiskey sometimes answers the questions, "Why ski?" and they have broken legs to prove it.
  2. Try to tell someone what you think usually results in him being wrong.
  3. Most business cards are never used for business.

December 19, 2007

Popular Wisdom, Belief, Chicago Cold

  1. Contrary to popular wisdom, popular wisdom is sometimes correct.
  2. A lot of what we believe has little to do with what we do. Or is it the other way around?
  3. Thinking about why it is so cold today in Chicago, I don't know.

December 18, 2007

Meadows, Mysteries, Robinson Crusoe

  1. "And the meadows were lush,
    ...and so was the gardener."
  2. Not everything is a mystery.
  3. Even Robinson Crusoe did not lived as simply as he could.

December 17, 2007

Cardiology, Gin, Oscar Wilde

  1. A change of heart is what cardiologists and therapists have in common, as well as fees.
  2. I'm more of a rummy than a gin player.
  3. Oscar Wilde is quoted as saying, "Life is too important to be taken seriously," and now, look at him, he's dead. Funny guy.

December 16, 2007

Vegetable Names, Sundays, Saturdays

  1. Where did vegetables get their names? Adam named the animals, but was he assigned to veggie duty as well? Seems the scientists (who so rarely believe in God), have been largely assigned finishing the meticulous job.
  2. Sundays are like Mondays, only happier.
  3. Saturdays are like Sundays, only drunker.

December 15, 2007

Typos, The End, Laughter

  1. Typos happen. Accept them. Except expect. Fix that one.
  2. When the end comes, we will probably think about the beginning.
  3. Laughter might not be the best medicine, but it is cheaper than codeine.

December 14, 2007

Silence, Rage, Snow

  1. Few things are as remarkable as silence, or so I'm told. No one's ever heard it.
  2. Road rage shows me the driver is a monkey in a cage.
  3. If the driven snow is pure, then why... oh, never mind.

December 13, 2007

I'll Get By, Hello, BJ Thomas

  1. Some people say, "I'll get by," but don't. They stagnantly survive, but don't get by.
  2. If you were to say hello to a stranger, what are the odds they'll agree?
  3. Did someone ever finally play that "Somebody Done Somebody Wrong" song?



December 12, 2007

Asking Why, Charms, Hyperboles

  1. Asking why without looking is pointless.
  2. If you wear enough charms, will they work?
  3. Most things are overrated. Except Brockeim.com. Hyperboles aren't enough.

December 11, 2007

Drunk Chickens, Burghers, Marshmallows

  1. Show me a drunk chicken and I'll show show you a bourbon glazed fowl.
  2. Burghers, a Sri Lankan Eurasian ethnic group, are not a dominant force in fast food restaurants. So, then, who is the Burger King?
  3. Anything you say with a mouthful of marshmallows will be held against you. You will be pointed at as well.

December 10, 2007

Tuna Fish, Muggy Weather, Chronic Anything

  1. Somewhere in history is the person who invented the tuna fish sandwich.
  2. Muggy weather. Why call it that if no one wants hot coffee in a mug? Why mislead us?
  3. Chronic patience is impressive. Chronic passivity is a tragedy.

December 09, 2007

Falling Out of a Chair, Hemlock Society, Cold Relatives

  1. Fall out of a chair, and it is funny for an evening. If someone is telling a serious story, it is funnier. It is true.
  2. They say "Death by Chocolate," yet everyone keeps living. What does the pro-suicide group the Hemlock Society say about this? I was depressed, tried this chocolate thing, and left happier. Can I sue?
  3. Cold is not relative. My third cousins are relative. And cold.

December 08, 2007

Buying Stock, Al Capone, Crying Wolf

  1. Do not buy stock high. Really. If you are making soup, and are going to the store to pick up some chicken stock, drive sober and clear headed. It will increase the likelihood of you enjoying your own soup.
  2. Crime does not pay. Crime is not a person, nor a bank, and therefore is not capable of paying anyone anything. That Al Capone divvied out some kind of wage to his lackeys does mean that criminals do sometimes get paid.
  3. Crying wolf does not involve a weeping canine.

December 07, 2007

Collie Flowers, What Matters, Abortion

  1. Collie flower and cauliflower? Two different things. One does not involve a dog.
  2. Said the physicist to the theologian, "What matters?"
    The theologian said, "Yes."
  3. Do abortion doctors who don't do their job right give referrals to good pediatricians?

December 06, 2007

George Bailey, Dead People, Salesmen

    It's a Wonderful Life (60th Anniversary Edition)
  1. When George Bailey said he would lasso the moon, he was exaggerating. No one can throw a rope that high, and when he had said it, we hadn't even been there yet. Come on, George, quit fibbing. You say, "It's a Wonderful Life," but should we believe you?
  2. Most dead people aren't in suits when death happens.
  3. If salesman aren't selling out, are they selling in? They have got to be doing it somewhere.
Search Amazon.com for It's a Wonderful Life 

    December 05, 2007

    Tomorrow, Jesus Christ, Suicide Bombers

    1. Tomorrow's tales begin today.
    2. Jesus Christ was not famous for using the snooze alarm.
    3. Do suicide bombers get fired if they live?

    December 04, 2007

    Funny Blogs, Times Square, Martians

    1. There is absolutely nothing funnier than what you are reading right now. If there is, what are you doing here?
    2. Street cred is not what you find on the bottom of you shoe after walking through Times Square.
    3. Remarkable as it may seem, no one knows if there are actually no Martians.

    December 03, 2007

    Bungalow Bill, Osama bin Laden, Belief in Blogs

    1. Bungalow Bill has a brother, Condominium Carl. His verse was cut from the song before the Beatles wrote it, facing lawsuits from Carl's nephew, Lawyer Lew. John Lennon was concerned he would lose his stock in Strawberry Fields, a not-for-profit fruit juice company, especially sinnce Lady Madonna and Lucy "In The" Skye were running it into the ground. All you need is love, huh?
    2. Osama bin Laden, not known for his personal morals, strictly runs his organization similar to most corporations.
    3. There is every reason to believe this blog is not entirely factual. I don't even believe what I'm saying half the time. And, the other half the time, I'm not sure you believe it. Even this post.

    December 02, 2007

    Ice Ice Baby, Voting, 411th Bit of Nonsense

    1. Just because it snowed last night (it did here in Chicago), and left the car encrusted with frozen water, you probably still should not sing "Ice Ice Baby." No one, ever, will be impressed. Except Vanilla Ice, who made a fortune doing it.
    2. Everything worth doing is worth doing twice. Now, go vote.
    3. This item, the line you reading right now, is the 411th bit of nonsense I have written. Who knows if it is actually the 411th listed, but, here it is, just below 410. If you want, you could count.

    December 01, 2007

    Star Trek, Patience, Coffee Mugs

    1. Live long and prosper? Was Mr. Spock a Word-Faith Pentecostal, an alien health and wealth sort? Perhaps Star Trek's voyage to go where no man has gone before was heavenly?
    2. Patience comes to those who wait. They get it… eventually.
    3. Coffee mugs can hold more than coffee.

    November 30, 2007

    Funny Movie Lines, God's Rain, Resting Wind

    1. When you think of a funny line from a movie… why?
    2. Do pilots get to see where God makes rain?
    3. "Where the wind blows" - Is this referring to the location that is windy, or the location that the wind will eventually rest?

    November 29, 2007

    Four Lefts, Inflection, Executions

    1. Two wrongs do not make a right, but four lefts can bring you around to where you started. Then, maybe you can right the problem.
    2. Say it with inflection, not infection.
    3. When the execution is over, the one freshly killed might be with, or without God, while the one who pulled the switch will be with guilt, with, or without God.

    November 28, 2007

    Bible Owners, Canada, Cows

    1. Top book owned, but not read? The Bible.
    2. Canada is not the state north of Minnesota.
    3. Cows are always female. Moo.

    November 27, 2007

    Tomorrow, Pothole Charm, Enunciation

    1. Try starting today. Tomorrow is a bad day to start most things.
    2. There is little less charming than a pothole.
    3. Enunciation is not the process of joining a convent.

    November 26, 2007

    Romance, Funeral Homes, Morning

    1. When we think of romance, garage doors do not come to mind. They could. But they don’t. Imagine romance better and garage doors make perfect sense.
    2. Funeral home owners make a business of looking backwards.
    3. When the morning comes, where do you think it has been?

    November 25, 2007

    Sumatra, Muhammad Ali, Waiting

    1. Nothing tastes better than the cup of Sumatra coffee in my hand right now… except tomorrow's cup.
    2. Quick dancing by Muhammad Ali in the ring helped him win the boxing match, but he was born with Cassius Clay feet.
    3. Those who say they like to wait do not want what they are waiting for.

    November 24, 2007

    Cowtipping, Trivia, Breathing

    1. Cowtipping is not illegal in Omaha, Nebraska, is it? However, in communities where it is legal, and rampant, the International Brotherhood of Bovine is starting to strike. "No milk today!" is their cry. Why their real protest isn't against the hamburger industry is strangely unknown. The IBB might be influenced by the Mob.
    2. Trivia is only trivia if you don't care, and see no purpose for knowing. Otherwise, it matters.
    3. Breathing is imperative to life and peace. Take a deep breath. Have a longer, more peaceful life.

    November 23, 2007

    Harry "Father Ahmed" Potter, Gigabytes, Whiskey

    1. Harry Potter is the reincarnation of a little boy named Ahmed who lived in Omaha who grew up to become a Roman Catholic priest during the 1890s. We can't prove that, of course, having never met Father Ahmed.
    2. What comes after gigabyte?
      A - Terabyte
      B - Takabyte
      C - Petabyte
      D - Gigglebyte
    3. Why ski? Whiskey. What more do you need?

    November 22, 2007

    Singing When No One is Looking, Adoption, Scissors

    1. If you sing along to songs you made up, what does that say? If you also sing backup, I'm impressed.
    2. On early adoption of technology: I have no need to appear hip, so, I'm cool to be cool til the cool tech is hot.
    3. Scissors. Nothing funny can be said about this unusual word. Hehehe... almost nothing.

    November 21, 2007

    Chemicals, Stomachs, Shalom

    1. Everything is made of chemicals.
    2. He who puts frequent six packs into his stomach is unlikely to have a six pack on his stomach.
    3. 'Shalom' was not used as a kind of scat singing in Israel during the doo-wop era.

    November 20, 2007

    Truth, Funerals, Broken Hearts

    1. Truth is more often black and white than we like to admit. It is our own gray matter which makes it gray.
    2. At least one guest is found at every funeral who is there against his wishes.
    3. Broken hearts are unlike broken bones. The fracture is impossible to find, but takes 100 times longer to heal.

    November 19, 2007

    Saying It Twice, Ali, Science

    1. When it is said, "You can say that again," no one really wants you to.
      When it is said, "You can say that again," no one really wants you to.
    2. Muhammad Ali did not sting like a B-B gun, nor have butterflies in his stomach.
    3. Science and logic have only proven that God can't be proven, but have not disproven his existence.

    November 18, 2007

    Order, Vagabond, Pyrex

    1. Order may be the domain of the devil, but in disorder, he reigns.
    2. Vagabond is not James Bond's evil, good for nothing brother.
    3. What has been in your Pyrex two cup measuring cup recently?

    November 17, 2007

    Tommy Smothers, Runners, Laziness

    1. Tommy Smothers' mother's son's brother's brother was Tommy Smothers (there was no other Smothers brother).
    2. Runners are neither running to, nor running from. Weird, huh?
    3. Laziness is not respected anywhere, by anyone, especially by those who are lazy.

    November 16, 2007

    Tommy Hilfiger, Hope, Prozac

    1. Tommy Hilfiger was uninvolved in the invention of the Tommy gun. No mention was found proving Tommy Lee Jones had a hand in its development either.
    2. There is very little we personally know for sure. We live on, though, with a solid hope that things are as we think.
    3. Read each word slowly: prosaic... Prozac. Different, right? If you need one, you might ignore the other.

    November 15, 2007

    Aphids, Cell Phones, Vignettes

    1. Aphids suck. They are known for that... a true 'bug' entomologically, which includes a feature that allows them to suck.
    2. Cell phones are driving the payphone people out of existence (see
      Video Killed the Radio Star and Other Murders)
    3. Vignettes are not something spread on salads, like bacon bits.

    November 14, 2007

    Hill of Beans, Bad Things, Grizzly Bears

    1. Just because you don't like the guy in office does not mean your candidate is worth a hill of beans.
    2. There is never a good way to say a bad thing. There are plenty of ways to say a good thing a bad way, but it is still good.
    3. Grizzly bear, not gristly beer, and not grisly and bare. Why would you want either of the last two? It is a free country. Do as you prefer.

    November 13, 2007

    Russian President, Stained Glass Windows, New Year's Eve

    1. The Russian president, the President of the United States, and my cousin all live in white houses.
    2. Stained glass window makers get the lead out.
    3. Ring in the New Year too much, and the ringing will continue another few days.

    November 12, 2007

    Moon, Thomas Edison, Ducks

    1. How far the moon is from the Earth is trivia to everyone but the astronaut, for whom knowing is life.
    2. Thomas Edison is not the one who said, "Let there be light." That was someone much older who may, or may not, have a beard.
    3. Ducks are funny. Known fact. Now, you know.

    November 11, 2007

    Terabytes, Happiness, Today

    1. What comes after terabyte?
      A - Terabyte
      B - Pterodactyl
      C - Petabyte
      D - Googolbyte
    2. Initiate happiness.
    3. They say there is no time like the present. It isn't true. There was yesterday, but you didn't get started. Get on with it. Tomorrow will be a hard time to say you could have done it yesterday… again.

    November 10, 2007

    Trouble, Sheep, Taxi Drivers

    1. When trouble comes knocking, pretend you're not home.
    2. Sheep. If I can't count my chickens, I'll count my sheep. Why? Sheep rhymes with sleep. Chicken rhymes with clickin', which, as everyone knows, is the international wake-up sound. Useful during daylight savings time changes.
    3. Taxi drivers downtown are generous in avian donations, giving the bird often.

    November 09, 2007

    Laughter, Mary and Joseph, Violets

    1. Laughter is cheaper than most drugs. Dope up on humor, man. Visit here often.
    2. It is a well-known fact why Mary and Joseph used the back barn of an inn as their birthing room for Jesus Christ. Little is said about why they went with swaddling clothes instead of something more chic. Why? No loom at the inn.
    3. Violets, in my opinion, are not blue, but purple. I'm not the only one. Join the purple violet crusade.

    November 08, 2007

    Blogs, God, Somewhere Else

    1. No one will say on their deathbed that they wish they read more blogs.
    2. God, mountains, and outer space all need not move in order to win whatever battle.
    3. If you were somewhere right now, where would it be? Then, why are you here?

    November 07, 2007

    Rats, Billy Joel, Moody Blues

    1. Rearrange the letters used in the word 'rats' and you will get the word 'arts'.
    2. Billy Joel sang, "Only the good die young," without ever mentioning aborted fetuses, who must be as good as it gets.
    3. The Moody Blues sang "Timothy Leary's Dead" before the fact was known.

    November 06, 2007

    Chicken, Election Results, Bill of Rights

    1. Chicken, if prepared properly, tastes just like chicken. The same cannot be said turkey.
    2. When the next election's results are in and tallied, it is a reasonable possibility that the world will not, in fact, blow up.
    3. Many Americans have not read the Bill of Rights, Roe v Wade, or the Declaration of Independence, yet have thorough, uninformed opinions about each (both supporters and detractors).

    November 05, 2007

    Chicken Little, Sunny Days, Desperation

    1. Chicken Little was misinformed. The sky has not fallen. Scientists have not tested the alternative theory that the Earth has gotten closer to the clouds.
    2. Sunny days make for great walks and terrible drives. Buy sunglasses.
    3. Desperation removes the capacity for weapon selectivity in battle. Always be ready.

    November 04, 2007

    Free-thinkers, Creativity, Mirrors

    1. Free-thinking doesn't mean cookie-cutter liberalism or cookie-cutter Republicanism or cookie-cutter anything (though, cookies themselves are a fine thing). It doesn't mean you must be iconclastic. You might or might not be. It means you think, freely.
    2. Creativity is not about the color of your hair, but the color of your mind.
    3. Sometime, mirrors get in the way of good days.

    November 03, 2007

    F-Bomb, Crabs, Reality

    1. In English, the f-bomb often translates to 'duh?', as it is used as empty explicative. It can have exact, real meaning, but rarely is used as such.
    2. Your neighbors wish you would say hi and smile more often. Stop being so crabby.
    3. Reality is looming. Be real.

    November 02, 2007

    Cash Cows, Jacksons, Lattes

    1. A cash cow is not a species of bovine.
    2. There are more Jacksons in this world than there are Osmonds.
    3. Three lattes equal one very nice steak. Five cappuccinos equals that steak, and a glass of wine. Five lattes, five cappuccinos are the worth the price of a romantic dinner for you and your date.

    November 01, 2007

    John F. Kennedy, Windy City, Raisins

    1. John F. Kennedy was elected because he was more handsome than Richard Nixon, known to be the smarter of the two by far. Years later, Nixon won by a landslide, twice.
    2. The Windy City isn't windy, but it is as sunny as Orlando, Florida.
    3. Raisins are sweet.

    October 31, 2007

    Atheists, Your Momma, Kleenex

    1. The atheist trying to convert a deist still has faith he is right.
    2. Tomorrow is just one of those days your momma warned you about. Happily, tomorrow never comes.
    3. Kleenex® is not known for its 'ex' cleaning, but for wiping another orifice. If an ex needs cleaning out, see your divorce lawyer. It might not fit your original marital vows, but neither does divorce, and you've managed beyond that.

    Boo.

    October 30, 2007

    Roses, Youth, Christmas

    1. "Roses are red" begins one of the most misleading statements in the English language.
    2. One of the best things about being older is that we aren't young and stupid. We aren't necessarily smarter, but we certainly aren't young.
    3. Remember when Christmas used to be a religious holiday?

    October 29, 2007

    Chicago Cubs, Jim Jones, Tartan Skirts

    1. The Chicago Cubs are doing their part to keep Hell as warm as it has always been.
    2. Murderer Jim Jones did not use Kool-Aid to kill his followers.
    3. A Scotsman off-kilter does necessarily mean he left his little Tartan skirt on the floor, though, with enough beer, the two are not necessarily exclusive.

    October 28, 2007

    Websites, Klingons, Dead People

    1. Brockeim.com is the most important website anywhere, except for yours. Bits of Nonsense Come in Threes is a very close third.
    2. Star Trek's Klingon race was not famous for their coffee beans.
    3. The dead never choose anything. Too many of the living don't either.

    October 27, 2007

    Doing, The Blues, Contentment

    1. Is it better to say you are something, or better to be something? Stop talking, start doing.
    2. Why is that sometimes on days we have the blues, our eyes are red?
    3. No one who wants more contentment is.

    October 26, 2007

    Futility, Rest in Peace, Refrigerators

    1. Say what you will about futility. If I wanted to do the sensible thing, I would be doing something else, now wouldn't I?
    2. RIP, or "rest in peace" is a phrase often written, often said, but rarely read or heard by whom it is addressed.
    3. Refrigerator doors sometimes sound like a cat's meow when being opened.

    October 25, 2007

    To Be, Weight Loss, Coffeehouses

    1. The verb "to be" can be one of those most violent concepts rarely employed.
    2. Weight loss is simple: eat fewer calories than you burn. The rest is marketing, dreams and money. Eating less saves money. Buying books costs money.
    3. Coffeehouses build friendships. Call a new friend for coffee today and see if it is true.

    October 24, 2007

    Dead Leaves, Snarks, Horse Eaters

    1. When a leaf falls, it is already dead.
    2. Why did he hunt a snark?
    3. No one who has said, "I could eat a horse," has proven this point.

    October 23, 2007

    Noah, Rib Eyes, William Shakespeare

    1. God's message to Noah about the Ark wasn't, "If you build it, they will come," though, he built, and two-by-two, they came.
    2. Rib eyes. That explains why we eat beef. Had their eyes been located in a more strategic position (their head is a reasonable place), perhaps we never would have caught them.
    3. Will power was not a form of electricity generated by hooking William Shakespeare up to a currency converter.


    October 22, 2007

    Religious Arguments, Bullets, Sharp Clothes

    1. The day after we die, all religious arguments cease.
    2. Bullets in a holster at the end of a gunfight means either you are a great shot or a dead man. Reload often.
    3. Clean, sharp clothes, and a haircut, are sometimes the difference between the mailroom and your own office. Insecurity often stops us from getting the clothes pressed and the haircut, because then we'll know whether or not we could really handle success.

    October 21, 2007

    Wisdom, Ogden Nash, Conception

    1. When wisdom is stronger than pride, the room becomes quieter.
    2. Speaking of nonsense (and that's pretty much all you'll find here), read Ogden Nash, Edward Lear and Dorothy Parker.
    3. No one has proven life does not start at conception, so quit saying it doesn't.

    October 20, 2007

    Bottomless Coffee, Bob Dylan, Merv Griffin

    1. There is no such thing as a bottomless cup of coffee. What would hold the coffee in the cup?
    2. One man's science is another man's god. Bob Dylan, the cynic turned Christian, says, "You gotta serve somebody."
    3. Merv Griffin composed the theme to TV game show Jeopardy! It was called "A Time for Tony" as a lullaby for his son.

    October 19, 2007

    Peanut Butter, Romance, Cynics

    1. One man's peanut butter passion is another man's smear campaign.
    2. You can have love without romance, but cannot have romance without love.
    3. No one likes being a cynic. Rarely do we hear, "Hey, look at that cheerful cynic."

    October 18, 2007

    Dalai Lama, Elvis Presley, Wasting Words

    1. The Dalai Lama eats and lives more luxuriously than many middle class Americans.
    2. When the Earth finally gets blown to smithereens, roaches, taxes and you will be gone. Whether Elvis Presley will survive is unknown, but he will be all shook up.
    3. Wasting words tires both the tongue and the ear.

    October 17, 2007

    Two Wrongs, Buckets, The Right Thing

    1. Two wrongs do not make a right. Two lefts will make you a terrible dancer.
    2. "Corporate Speak:
      When someone says, "Which bucket does this go in?" they mean:
      A - Which predefined category should this be described?
      B - They are thinking outside of the box, and in buckets.
      C - Bucket is a slang term for trash can, and they have no respect for the idea.
      D - Bucket is the long form for "buck" as in "The buck stops here," and they want to know who has responsibility for the project."
    3. If we did everything we told other people to do, what a different place this would be. It matters, naturally, if you encouraged the guy to do some great thing, or told him to go to hell.

    October 16, 2007

    Homelessness, Fortune Cookies, Romeo and Juliet

    1. Whatever day this is, it is a good day to give $20 to help the homeless, the hungry, or the sick. Yes, they'll be hungry tomorrow too.
    2. Your fortune cookie should not say, "Inspected by #843."
    3. Romeo and Juliet married about the same age as Jesus Christ's parents, Mary and Joseph.

    October 15, 2007

    9-11, Sucks, Moon

    1. 9-11 is not a marketing program of the 7-11 grocery and convenience stores. Rather, 9-11 is marketing for Al Qaeda, the proponents of hate, violence and murder.
    2. How is it that something that sucks also blows? Aren't these in contradiction?
    3. Look at the moon. It is round, sure, but does it really look like a big pizza pie?

    October 14, 2007

    St. Peter, COB, RRRR

    1. Two things may be on our lips as we meet our maker in our oldest years, favorite hymns and psalms, and TV commercial jingles. Knowing 588-2300 will not impress St. Peter.
    2. "Acronymically Speaking:
      The acronym COB means:
      A - When a marketing item is too corny, it is 'COB', as in corncob. It is considered a pejorative term.
      B - Close of business - refers to when something will be delivered, at the end of the given day.
      C - Causing opportunity to bounce - used as a management program to reward forward-thinking sales staff who discover a new way to reach our market
      D - Continue our business - refers to remaining focused when national or international stresses hit the market, like power outages, a national crisis or running out of coffee."
    3. Need some R&R? If it works well, it puts the RRRRR back in. Pirates love it.

    October 13, 2007

    Moonshine, Hell, Rosie O'Donnell

    1. Moonshine and sunshine can be enjoyed by the same person at once, and each will help him feel warmer.
    2. Hello' is not a dyslexic's way of saying, "Oh hell!"
    3. It will not be long before we are forgotten. Rosie O'Donnell, however, will beat us to this distinction.

    October 12, 2007

    Charlie Brown, Dandelions, Brats

    1. If Charlie Brown fought Dennis the Menace, one stipulation would be no slingshots, and no tag-teaming with Football Lucy or Joey "The Mauler."
    2. Dandelions are underrated. Roses are overrated. Tulips, though, are fairly considered.
    3. If a brat eats a brat, how do you know which is which?

    October 11, 2007

    White Castle Hamburgers, God, Big Apple

    1. White Castle, the fast-food restaurant company, uses the term "Slyders" to call their hamburgers, after its heavy use in the public parlance. Apparently executives are unaware that, on the street, 'sliders' in relation to White Castle hamburgers, refers to their ability to quickly cause diarrhea soon after eating them. Bon appetit!
    2. God has not died. No body has been found.
    3. The Big Apple imports its apples.

    October 10, 2007

    Albert Camus, Earl Grey, Al Gore

    1. Albert Camus and Agatha Christie had lots in common. Both wrote books about death (and are, themselves, dead), and had the same initials.
    2. Earl Grey is not a dyslexic's way of describing his real graying hair. What? As opposed to his graying hair transplant? Either way, it's tea time. And, no, Rogaine is not a Rooibos herbal variety.
    3. We know Al Gore believes he invented the internet. Did you know George W. Bush thinks, though, they named it after him? That's why it begins 'WWW'. Oh, Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! However, most impressed is Bill Clinton, who sees the internet personally designed for him as a dating service.

    October 09, 2007

    Bobby Jones, Ernie, Book Gossip

    1. Legendary golfer Bobby Jones never said Tiger Woods was the best golfer ever. Jones died in 1971. Woods was born in 1975 and was not in golfing limelight until 1977 (he putted against Bob Hope on the Mike Douglas Show)
    2. "Vo, vo vo deo.
      Rub a dub duckie, you're the one."
      -So saith Ernie, in his ode to his buddy who cute and yellow and chubby."
    3. Book gossip? A lot happens between the pages that no one ever talks about.

    October 08, 2007

    Beer, Blogs at Work, Belief

    1. Beer does not count as 'grain' in the food group pyramid.
    2. Let's try this again. Why are you reading this blog? Because it is better than working, that's why.
    3. Stand up for you believe when there is no camera, and then you know you really believe it.

    October 07, 2007

    World Peace, Bill Withers, Agreements

    1. If protesting improved world peace, we'd have it, but more noise just means more noise.
    2. Bill Withers, who wrote the lyrics, "Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone," is still with us, as is his wife, Marcia. Marcia, we presume, leans on him when she's not strong.
    3. Most of what we read we already agree with. You can say that again.

    October 06, 2007

    iPods, Healthy People, Pig Sty

    1. iPod does not mean Idaho Potato Orators Department.
    2. All healthy people die. It just takes them longer.
    3. A pig sty, and an eye sty are very different things. The ability to see the one while enduring the other can be most difficult.

    October 05, 2007

    PETA, Color Blindness, Johns

    1. Yet unconfirmed, PETA is rumored to have recently included a "necessary killing" clause in their membership application, permitting mosquito slapping and tapeworm extraction. No mention if toe fungus made it through this year, despite the heavy fungal-for-life lobby.
    2. Color blind people still can tell the difference between the tastes red and purple.
    3. Some great men over the years have been named John. Some fools too. Some were the same man.

    October 04, 2007

    Book Lover Mugs: Books are a friend which never imposes, but is always with you only slightly less intimately than God.

    Books are a friend which never imposes, but is always with you only slightly less intimately than God. ~Brockeim.

    Tipoe/s haPin mug (get it? Typos happen.)


    make custom gifts at Zazzle

    Punting, Lires, Folly

    1. Guessing isn't as wise as thinking. The answer is not always 'C' unless being right is not important. Of course, sometimes, punting is the best option.
    2. Lire, Lire, your Francs are on fire!
      -- What some money says while sitting in a bank's vault on a hot night.
    3. If a guy is proudly building a deck, but it falls into his house, between two or more rooms... did he deck the halls, then bow for his folly (tra la la la la)?

    October 03, 2007

    G-Men, Charles Manson, Cigarette Butts

    1. The G-Men never used Gmail.
    2. Charles Manson, the selfish murdering pig made famous in the 1960s and now staying in prison until he dies, did not go crazy because of the Beatles' "Helter Skelter" playing on his Apple iPod.
    3. Cigarette 'butts' refer to the cigarette mostly smoked, not to the smoker, despite popular opinion otherwise.

    October 02, 2007

    Talking, Woodchucks, America

    1. Just because you're still talking doesn't mean I'm still listening. Say it briefly.
    2. Why would a woodchuck chuck wood, even if he could?
    3. The problem in America today is we use our mouth more than our heart, and we use our heart more than our soul. And, it's not just America.

    October 01, 2007

    Mother Teresa, Monkeys, Outsourcing

    1. Everyone says they admire Mother Teresa, but love watching Britney Spears.
    2. Monkeys are almost always funny, just as gerbils are almost always cute. Nothing good, however, can be said about a mosquito.
    3. Isn't outsourcing the same as using a third party vendor in a capitalistic society?

    September 30, 2007

    Fish Mafia, Roses, Fools

    1. If the fish mafia comes along side of a errant brother, does he go sleep with the humans?
    2. No one ever promised me a rose garden either. Plant your own daisies and stop griping about roses.
    3. Insulting a fool adds to the number of fools.

    September 29, 2007

    Sugar and Spice, Rolls Royce Baker, Smokers

    1. All that noise about "sugar and spice and everything nice," is not based on research.
    2. Let's say a baker has kneaded dough to make into dinner bread. It is a his job, you know. He's got them on a wheeled cart, dragged by a high-end British automobile. Could his role be rolling rolled rolls behind a Rolls?
    3. No one who smokes cigarettes has effectively claimed he was healthier as a result.

    September 28, 2007

    Offline, Jacques-Yves Cousteau, New York Yankees

    1. Corporate Speak:
      When someone says, "Let's connect about this offline," they mean:
      A - Let's communicate telepathically.
      B - Let's discuss this one-on-one, when the meeting is over.
      C - Log off your instant messenger program, and let's send old fashioned snail mail letters.
      D - Two tin cans and string are a great way to talk, but there must be an easier way.
    2. Jesus Christ and Jacques-Yves Cousteau had lots in common. Both were involved at one time in fishing, and had the same initials.
    3. If a leaf falls in a forest, and no one is there to hear, did the New York Yankees really win that many World Series?

    September 27, 2007

    Coffee, Cookies, Truth

    1. Coffee always tastes best just before leaving for work.
    2. There are less noble positions to have in this world than chocolate chip cookie taster.
    3. A big truth is we rarely see the smallest thing.

    September 26, 2007

    Al-Qaeda, Magna Carta, Beatles

    1. Al-Qaeda (also: al-Qaida, al-Qa'ida) is Arabic for "I dishonor my god, hate my mother and wish I was a rich sheik." Joining it is not part of the Five Pillars of Islam.
    2. The Magna Carta is not a British rock band fronted by Ross "The Boss" Perot.
    3. The letters of the Beatles' song "Yesterday," alphabetized: a, A, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, b, b, b, b, b, C, c, c, c, c, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, f, f, F, F, g, g, g, g, g, g, g, g, g, g, g, g, g, h, h, h, h, h, h, h, h, h, h, h, h, h, H, h, h, h, h, h, h, h, H, h, h, h, h, h, I, I, I, i, i, I, I, I, i, I, I, i, i, I, I, i, i, I, I, I, i, i, I, I, i, i, I, k, k, k, l, l, l, l, l, l, l, l, l, l, L, l, l, l, l, l, L, l, l, l, m, m, m, m, m, m, m, m, m, m, N, n, n, n, n, n, n, n, n, n, n, n, n, n, n, n, N, n, n, n, n, n, n, n, n, n, n, N, n, n, o, o, o, o, o, o, o, O, o, o, o, o, O, o, o, o, o, o, o, o, o, o, o, o, o, o, o, O, o, o, o, o, o, o, o, o, o, o, o, o, o, o, O, p, p, p, p, r, r, r, r, r, r, r, r, r, r, r, r, r, r, r, r, r, r, r, s, s, s, s, s, s, s, s, S, s, s, s, s, s, s, S, s, s, S, s, s, s, s, s, s, s, S, s, s, S, s, s, s, s, s, s, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, T, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, u, u, u, u, u, u, u, u, u, v, v, v, v, v, v, w, w, w, W, w, w, w, w, w, w, w, W, w, w, w, w, w, w, w, y, Y, y, y, y, y, y, y, y, y, y, y, y, y, y, y, Y, y, y, y, y, y, y, y, y, y, y, Y, y, y, y, y, y, y

    September 25, 2007

    Cubs (and Sox), Success, Tee Shirts

    1. Believe what you like about evolution, but Chicago Cubs and Chicago White Sox fans were not related in the primordial pool. Charles Darwin never met a baseball enthusiast from Chicago when determining his theory on "Origin of the Species."
    2. Success isn't the product of a slopshot.
    3. Why is it called a tee shirt?

    September 24, 2007

    God, Howard's End, Red Wine

    1. I am not God's gift to anything. Anything good is God's gift to me.
    2. I do not want to see "Howard's End." Please.
    3. Red, red wine might make you feel so fine at night, but beware the next morning of red, red booze, as you might feel the blues.

    September 23, 2007

    American Pie, Real Estate Women, Pickles

    1. We know, according to Don McLean's "American Pie," about the day when the music died, but when was it born?
    2. Women who sell real estate scare me. Might be the forced smile with the forward "Look at me, I'll ream ya" lean. That is the same look men who sell cars have, and that guy who sells books about vitamins on infomercials.
    3. Not everything can be pickled.

    September 22, 2007

    Don't Tase Me Bro T-shirt

    Don't Tase Me Bro T-shirt


    Andrew Meyer's self-righteous cry, "Don't Tase Me Bro," takes on new heights of whining. So impressed, we thought we'd send a shout out to him for his freedom of speech. As fun, silly gifts go, this is up there.

    Lots of colors, designs, buttons, mugs with this design here:

    http://cafepress.com/donttaseme2

    Don't tase Me mug

    Chopsticks, Twisted Tongues, Sharks

    1. Chopsticks do not chop well. Giving me two of them does not increase their effectiveness in this regard.
    2. No tongue has ever been twisted so much that it cannot be unspun. The same cannot be said for twisted minds.
    3. Contrary to popular belief, sharks do not care what you ate for lunch and do not say, "Crikey!" when encountering an ill tasting human. Not even in Australia.

    September 21, 2007

    Rocky Balboa, David Letterman, Soccer Moms

    1. Chicago's Grant Park border, Balboa Drive, is not named after Rocky Balboa. Yo, Adrian!
    2. David Letterman has probably heard of the musical group, the Lettermen.
    3. Most sports rivalries exist in newspapers, not stadiums, except when referring to over-torqued soccer moms at their children's games.

    September 20, 2007

    Cows, Planned Parenthood, Free Willy

    1. Cows are not known for jumping, nor dogs for laughing, and the scandal of the dish and the spoon remains yet unproven... yet, we all know the story.

      Hey diddle diddle,
      The cat and the fiddle,
      The cow jumped over the moon,
      The little dog laughed to see such a sight,
      And the dish ran away with the spoon.
      And the dish ran after the spoon.
    2. Planned Parenthood is more famous for their abortion clinics than their birthing and parenting clinics.
    3. The movie "Free Willy" has nothing to do with a kindergarten teacher's unwillingness to show Franco Zeffirelli's sexy version of William Shakespeare's play "Romeo and Juliet."

    September 19, 2007

    Chicken, Roosters, Bratwurst

    1. Chicken, like its ancestor, eggs, will stink up a sink if left in the drain unattended for a week.
    2. Have you ever met a rooster named Ichabod that crows from the top of a cathedral?
    3. After eating a fifth one, bratwurst becomes bratworst. Look it up. Better yet, try it.

    September 18, 2007

    O. J. Simpson, Avenues, Coffee

    1. Before being arrested for allegedly robbing a hotel room, before being found liable for the death of his ex-wife, before making movies and Hertz TV commercials, O. J. Simpson played professional football.
    2. There are funnier words than 'avenue.'
    3. No matter how often you reheat coffee, it is never as good when it first left the carafe.

    September 17, 2007

    Businessmen, Cigarette Butts, Fools

    1. Wearing a suit, and having a website domain ending in dot biz does not make you a savvy businessman. It makes you a man in a suit with a dot biz website. Making unusually more than you invest makes you a savvy businessman.
    2. Cigarette butts in front of a health food store are like candy wrappers outside of a Weight Watchers meeting.
    3. A fool can be accidentally wise.

    September 16, 2007

    Vanessa Hudgens, Queen, 100 Years

    1. No one ever said Vanessa Hudgens was a girl with good morals.
    2. The British rock music group, "Queen" asked a question as it began "Bohemian Rhapsody" from their album, "A Night At the Opera." They wanted to know, "Is this the real life, or this just fantasy?" The answer is no.
    3. In 100 years, the author of this blog, and you, will be forgotten, as will the importance of this entry, which should never be remembered.

    September 15, 2007

    Dashes, Death, Catholics

    1. Dashes and hyphens are not the same.
    2. You die when you are done living, but you can't start living until you are done dying.
    3. Most of the hardship of growing up in a Catholic school is a myth or exaggerated. Many teachers aren't even Catholic, and many students aren't devout.

    September 14, 2007

    Books, Humility, Barefeet

    1. Books are good food. Wash them down with coffee. (see the Brockeim-style mug)
    2. Humility sometimes lets the other person shine.
    3. An advantage to being barefoot is that no shoelaces are ever broken.

    September 13, 2007

    Sunny days, Gold Bond, Julia Roberts

    1. Sunny, blue days should not be a contradiction
    2. Gold Bond is not 007's alter-ego arch-nemesis.
    3. Julia Roberts, the classy and sophisticated actress, most famous role is when she played a whore. She will always be best known as a woman who sold her body.

    September 12, 2007

    Pigs, Talking, Opium

    1. Pigs cannot fly. They never have. At least, not without the help of an airliner.
    2. Until it is finished, you've not done it. It is still just talking.
    3. Opium, a drug considered sinful if used by Muslims, is a primary export of the predominantly Muslim country, Afghanistan.

    September 11, 2007

    Cool Sunglasses, Smokers, Apologies

    1. Roy Orbison wore cool sunglasses, but was not a member of the Blues Brothers or ZZ Top. None of the sunglasses in question, though, are ones worn by Tom Cruise in "Risky Business."
    2. Smokers who protest pollution are full of it.
    3. I am unable to apologize for things other people did. Sorry about that.

    September 10, 2007

    Tomorrow, Dogs & Cats, Radio

    1. Today can only repeat itself tomorrow. It's not that deep.
    2. The argument regarding dogs and cats can be settled by war, but the cats won't bother and the dogs, when it comes down to it, just want to chew on something.
    3. The best songs are on the radio just as you pull into the parking of an important meeting. Try it.

    September 09, 2007

    Skunks, Apostles, Pollution

    1. Lemon juice, smelled at full intensity, will remind you of a skunk's perfume de jour.
    2. Yoda was not among the 12 Apostles. Neither were you. And, just because you and Yoda aren't doesn't mean they weren't.
    3. Bumper stickers never win arguments or stop pollution.

    September 08, 2007

    Buddy Holly, Divorce, Chocolate

    1. Buddy Holly was not the lead singer of the Hollies, but he still was not known to be heavy.
    2. "If at first you don't succeed, trial and trial again." - Divorce lawyers
    3. Chocolate cake, like chocolate chip cookies, are on the list of the world's most perfect foods.

    September 07, 2007

    Howard, Jerry Lewis, Sherlock Holmes

    1. Feel as you do toward Howard, 'Howard' does not rhyme with 'toward.' 'Towered' does rhyme with 'Howard' and, depending on your accent, 'toured' rhymes with 'toward.'
    2. "Sticks and stones may hurt my bones, but words will never hurt me," is not a phrase used in litigation involving a defamation case, or things Jerry Lewis may have said.
    3. Sherlock Holmes is not a house security device.

    September 06, 2007

    Nakedness, Fosset, Listening

    1. Naked people never wear ties which do not match.
    2. Steve Fosset is not a brand plumber's prefer.
    3. Until you learn to listen, you do not deserve to speak.

    September 05, 2007

    Truckin', Doors, Literacy

    1. You cannot "keep on truckin'" while sitting on a couch.
    2. 'Close the door' is one of the most mysterious phrases in English.
    3. Literacy should mean more than 'able to read' but, also, 'actually does read'.

    September 04, 2007

    Google, Superman, Ingestion

    1. Barney Google was a comic strip character, not a search engine CEO.
    2. If "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus," Superman wasn't. He was from Krypton.
    3. Ingesting too much moonshine muddies the view of the moon on a clear night.

    September 03, 2007

    Beer, Freeways, Self-discipline

    1. Some beer will cause a fight. Lots of beer will stop a fight.
    2. Freeways are named as such in reflection to the cost to the driver, not the taxpayer.
    3. Self-discipline needs no reward to compensate for the sacrifice.

    September 02, 2007

    Pool, James Bond, Apples

    1. You can play pool. You can play in the pool. Playing pool in the pool is another matter all together.
    2. James Bond is not a type of glue.
    3. Mix all the apples with oranges you like, but expect little more than fruit salad.

    September 01, 2007

    Dreams, Pigs, Water

    1. Dreams remain dreams so long as you remain sleeping. Wake up and get on with it.
    2. The Three Little Pigs did not sing back-up to Gladys Knight.
    3. Water washing on the shore can be soothing, but take that water and drop it slowly from a faucet, and be driven mad.

    August 31, 2007

    Cells, Hummers, Worms

    1. I know what they are called, but inmates do not get cell phones in their cells.
    2. Beetles and hummers, Beatles and Hummers. Beatles are those who know the words to "Hey Jude," while hummers merely try to find the tune.
    3. "How to Eat Fried Worms" by Thomas Rockwell is a book young bookworms might read.

    August 30, 2007

    Mothers, Bag-of-tricks, Owen Wilson

    1. Your mother never, ever told you there would days like this, did she?
    2. If the match was bag-of-tricks free, Morris would trounce Felix in celebrity cat boxing.
    3. Owen Wilson was not the president during WWI.

    August 29, 2007

    Ampersands, Indecision, Vegetables

    1. Ampersand and asterisk: two words we rarely say, but use what they are often.
    2. Indecision leads to status quo.
    3. It is better to eat a vegetable than to be one: something never said by Larry the Cucumber, but probably agreed to by any number of cannibals.

    August 28, 2007

    Reading, Ganders, Noah

    1. Someone else writes most of what you read.
    2. Taking too close a gander at a gander may leave you a goner.
    3. Noah had a more successful journey than the captain of the Titanic, despite inclement weather.

    August 27, 2007

    Maple Leaves, Dreams, Arguments

    1. Maple leaves never fall upwards.
    2. Too many dreams are left unacted upon.
    3. Arguments about coffee are not always based on facts, but image.

    August 26, 2007

    Calendars, Dancing, Dishes

    1. Calendars do not tell us what time it is, but a watch might have the date.
    2. Dancing is the art of the hidden mind revealing itself.
    3. Dishes and spoons are known together for their affair of the heart as well as the tongue.

    August 25, 2007

    Orange Juice, Bumper Stickers, Ideas

    1. Avoid drinking orange juice and catsup at the same time.
    2. Bumper stickers are sometimes telling the truth.
    3. 'Let's' is sometimes a bad idea.

    August 24, 2007

    World, Island, Sunday

    1. I don't want to buy the world a Coke.
    2. At some point, every place on Earth is an island.
    3. Billy Sunday, an evangelist in the early 1900s, was previously a baseball star. D. L. Moody was not.

    August 23, 2007

    Petroleum, Generals, Beavers

    1. Petroleum is made of old plants and animals.
    2. It is possible that General Patton heard of General Tso, but impossible for General Tso to know of General Patton.
    3. Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver's nickname came from brother Wally Cleaver mispronouncing his name as a child.

    August 22, 2007

    Snakes, Typos, People

    1. Snakes are not found, and when they are, rarely, in cages, in Ireland.
    2. Typos happen daily.
    3. No one walking on Earth today is perfect.

    August 21, 2007

    Washington, Amazon, Blacktops

    1. President George Washington never used a cell phone.
    2. People living on the Amazon River probably never heard of Amazon.com
    3. Blacktops often look white in the hot sun.

    August 20, 2007

    Books, Demons, Rainbows

    1. Buying books is easier than reading them.
    2. DePaul University's mascot is a demon despite it being a Catholic school.
    3. Gold is a color in a rainbow.

    August 19, 2007

    Mugs, Spoons, Eyes

    1. Most Americans do not know the difference between a mug and a cup.
    2. No one was ever born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
    3. The black part of our eyes is the part we see out of.

    August 18, 2007

    Bears, Planets, Testaments

    1. There are no bears living in Chicago's forest, yet they have named a football team after them.
    2. The sun is not a planet.
    3. The New Testament is also pretty old.

    August 17, 2007

    Gypsies, Egyptians, Fingers

    1. Many Gypsies do not like being called Gypsies. It is considered an insult, like the n-word. They prefer to be called Roma.
    2. William Shakespeare was not an Egyptian god. He wasn't even Egyptian. He was English.
    3. It isn't polite to point, no matter which finger you use. The word is still out on whether using toes is appropriate.

    August 16, 2007

    Skin, Jesus, Glasses

    1. The skin you see is dead.
    2. Jesus Christ was not a vegetarian, and even assisted the local fishing industry.
    3. Glasses are often made of plastic.

    August 15, 2007

    Earth, Sun, Nose

    1. The Earth is not flat, round, or square.
    2. The sun will not come up tomorrow. It never has.
    3. We don't blow our nose. We blow out of our nose. Otherwise, clearing it would be more difficult and less effective.

    August 14, 2007

    Trees, Death, Sports

    1. Although we enjoy the leaves on trees partly because of how they shade us, the tree grows them to capture sunlight.
    2. Everyone born between 1700 and 1800 is dead.
    3. If asked, few people know why their favorite sports team is their favorite.

    August 13, 2007

    Cavemen, Bunnies, Football

    1. The first remote control was when a caveman threw a rock at a noisy, squawking bird. TV was invented later.
    2. Bugs Bunny is not real, and has never been to Albuquerque, NM.
    3. The kicker on an American football team often amasses the most points in a season for that team.

    August 12, 2007

    Apples, Coffee, Cats

    1. The Book of Genesis does not say Adam and Eve ate an apple.
    2. Coffee cups with holes on the side will not hold liquid.
    3. House cats cannot read.

    August 11, 2007

    Songs, Blogs, Food

    1. Many Americans cannot recite a single poem, prayer, or song by heart.
    2. This blog should not be the most important thing you read today.
    3. Some of the food we enjoy is the product of digestion or decomposition.

    August 10, 2007

    Beatles, Grandfathers, Cash

    1. All of the Beatles went through a divorce. All they needed was love, but had a hard time finding it.
    2. You can be childless and still benefit from a grandfather clause.
    3. Johnny Cash and Johnny Paycheck were not the same person.

    August 09, 2007

    Elvis, Bobby Fischer, Michael Jordan

    1. Elvis, spelled backwards, is sivle, which has no meaning.
    2. Anti-Semite and former world chess champion Bobby Fischer's parents were both Jewish.
    3. Former NBA star Michael Jordan never played in the World Series.

    August 08, 2007

    Bob Dylan, Rhinoceroses, Sherlock Holmes

    1. Bob Dylan's real name is Robert.
    2. Rhinoceroses are not native to Canada.
    3. Sherlock Holmes never took a 747 to New Zealand to visit his aunt. Neither did James Moriarty.

    August 07, 2007

    Google, Native Americans, Periods

    1. Today, 'good' shows up in Google 1,140,000,000 times. 'Bad' shows up 629,000,000 times.
    2. Native Americans' ancestors came from another country.
    3. A sentence does not need to end with a period.

    August 06, 2007

    Circuses, Waiting, Saltire

    1. The word 'circus' has six letters, two of which are vowels. The two 'c's are pronounced differently.
    2. If we waited until we understood everything, it would take longer to do get things done.
    3. The Saltire, the flag of Scotland, is the oldest national flag in use. It remembers Christian martyr St. Andrew.

    August 05, 2007

    Shel Silverstein, Eyes, Conception

    1. Shel Silverstein died bald. How much hair he had when he was born with remains unknown to the public.
    2. We can see with our eyes closed.
    3. No one has disproven that life starts at conception.

    August 04, 2007

    Gravity, Robert Frost, Gum

    1. Gravity works in space.
    2. Robert Frost's poem, "The Road Not Taken" has four stanzas.
    3. The juice in most chewing gum is saliva.

    August 03, 2007

    Goldfish, Seeds, Cars

    1. Catching a goldfish with a lasso is difficult. Catching a horse with a net is easy.
    2. Coffee beans are not vegetables or fruits. They are seeds.
    3. Red cars get as dirty as white cars.

    August 02, 2007

    Water, Spain, Flight

    1. Turning water over is not possible.
    2. That the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain is not true.
    3. Animals in flight are really just delaying landing.

    August 01, 2007

    February 30, Promises, Ants

    1. There is no February 30.
    2. Promises made with fingers crossed are still promises.
    3. Ants have six legs and no arms.

    July 31, 2007

    Root Beer, Telephones, Tongues

    1. Root beer has no alcohol.
    2. Few people talk on telephones while swimming.
    3. Tongue twisters always leave tongues in their original shape.

    July 30, 2007

    Ice Cream, Cranberries, Sunny Days

    1. Ice cream is stored colder than 32 degrees Farenheit.
    2. Chocolate chip cookies taste very good with milk. Cranberry sauce does not.
    3. All days are sunny. What is limited is our ability to recognize it.

    July 29, 2007

    Caeser, Coke, Beer

    1. It is doubtful Julius Caeser ever met Dorothy Sayers.
    2. Coke does not add life.
    3. Dogs may be a man's best friend, but no dog has bought his friend a beer.

    July 28, 2007

    Grandfathers, Battle Cake, Luck

    1. No one currently living has ever met their natural great-great-great-great grandfather.
    2. "Battle cake' rhymes roughly with rattlesnake, but rarely comes up in conversation.
    3. There is no such thing as luck. There is such a thing as something happening despite being unlikely. Luck is an outside force increasing that likelihood, at which point, it is no longer lucky.

    July 27, 2007

    Novels, White House, Diamonds

    1. Much of a printed novel is, in fact, not printed.
    2. Parts of the White House aren't white.
    3. Diamonds may be a girl's best friend, but it cannot hold a conversation.

    July 26, 2007

    Spitting, Charlie Brown, Oblong

    1. Spitting into the wind is ill-advised by singer Jim Croce, but spitting against the wind is worse.
    2. What was Charlie Brown's middle name?
    3. Oblong refers to a rectangular, but not square, shape. Why 'ob'?

    July 25, 2007

    Lucy, Gravity, Compact Disks

    • Ricky Ricardo, who sang "I Love Lucy"'s theme song, divorced Lucy.
    • If gravity didn't work, where would we be?
    • Many compact disks are semi-transparent. Press your eye close to one while holding the other side toward a brightly lit area.

    July 24, 2007

    Jerks, Milk, Boxers

    1. Just because someone is a jerk doesn't mean they are wrong.
    2. Milk takes the bitterness from coffee.
    3. Why are wallets called wallets, and boxers called boxers?

    July 23, 2007

    First, Traffic, HTML

    1. Being first in line helps. Sitting at the head table rarely helps as much.
    2. Traffic isn't slow if you don't want to go where you're headed.
    3. Ask five under-30 people who develop websites what the letter HTML stand for. Be surprised if three know.

    July 22, 2007

    English, Diddle, Shadows

    1. Robert Englund (Freddy Krueger) is not English, but he does speak English.
    2. Diddle rhymes with fiddle. Not much else does. Well, except for piddle... and riddle... and middle.
    3. Shadows prove there is light.

    July 21, 2007

    Nonsense Blogs, Reasons, Wildebeests

    1. The reasons people read nonsense blogs are not understood.
    2. If there's a good reason, do it. If there's a great reason, do it now. If there's a perfect reason, you should already be doing it.
    3. Never ride a wildebeest bareback.