September 30, 2007

Fish Mafia, Roses, Fools

  1. If the fish mafia comes along side of a errant brother, does he go sleep with the humans?
  2. No one ever promised me a rose garden either. Plant your own daisies and stop griping about roses.
  3. Insulting a fool adds to the number of fools.

September 29, 2007

Sugar and Spice, Rolls Royce Baker, Smokers

  1. All that noise about "sugar and spice and everything nice," is not based on research.
  2. Let's say a baker has kneaded dough to make into dinner bread. It is a his job, you know. He's got them on a wheeled cart, dragged by a high-end British automobile. Could his role be rolling rolled rolls behind a Rolls?
  3. No one who smokes cigarettes has effectively claimed he was healthier as a result.

September 28, 2007

Offline, Jacques-Yves Cousteau, New York Yankees

  1. Corporate Speak:
    When someone says, "Let's connect about this offline," they mean:
    A - Let's communicate telepathically.
    B - Let's discuss this one-on-one, when the meeting is over.
    C - Log off your instant messenger program, and let's send old fashioned snail mail letters.
    D - Two tin cans and string are a great way to talk, but there must be an easier way.
  2. Jesus Christ and Jacques-Yves Cousteau had lots in common. Both were involved at one time in fishing, and had the same initials.
  3. If a leaf falls in a forest, and no one is there to hear, did the New York Yankees really win that many World Series?

September 27, 2007

Coffee, Cookies, Truth

  1. Coffee always tastes best just before leaving for work.
  2. There are less noble positions to have in this world than chocolate chip cookie taster.
  3. A big truth is we rarely see the smallest thing.

September 26, 2007

Al-Qaeda, Magna Carta, Beatles

  1. Al-Qaeda (also: al-Qaida, al-Qa'ida) is Arabic for "I dishonor my god, hate my mother and wish I was a rich sheik." Joining it is not part of the Five Pillars of Islam.
  2. The Magna Carta is not a British rock band fronted by Ross "The Boss" Perot.
  3. The letters of the Beatles' song "Yesterday," alphabetized: a, A, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, b, b, b, b, b, C, c, c, c, c, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, e, f, f, F, F, g, g, g, g, g, g, g, g, g, g, g, g, g, h, h, h, h, h, h, h, h, h, h, h, h, h, H, h, h, h, h, h, h, h, H, h, h, h, h, h, I, I, I, i, i, I, I, I, i, I, I, i, i, I, I, i, i, I, I, I, i, i, I, I, i, i, I, k, k, k, l, l, l, l, l, l, l, l, l, l, L, l, l, l, l, l, L, l, l, l, m, m, m, m, m, m, m, m, m, m, N, n, n, n, n, n, n, n, n, n, n, n, n, n, n, n, N, n, n, n, n, n, n, n, n, n, n, N, n, n, o, o, o, o, o, o, o, O, o, o, o, o, O, o, o, o, o, o, o, o, o, o, o, o, o, o, o, O, o, o, o, o, o, o, o, o, o, o, o, o, o, o, O, p, p, p, p, r, r, r, r, r, r, r, r, r, r, r, r, r, r, r, r, r, r, r, s, s, s, s, s, s, s, s, S, s, s, s, s, s, s, S, s, s, S, s, s, s, s, s, s, s, S, s, s, S, s, s, s, s, s, s, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, T, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, u, u, u, u, u, u, u, u, u, v, v, v, v, v, v, w, w, w, W, w, w, w, w, w, w, w, W, w, w, w, w, w, w, w, y, Y, y, y, y, y, y, y, y, y, y, y, y, y, y, y, Y, y, y, y, y, y, y, y, y, y, y, Y, y, y, y, y, y, y

September 25, 2007

Cubs (and Sox), Success, Tee Shirts

  1. Believe what you like about evolution, but Chicago Cubs and Chicago White Sox fans were not related in the primordial pool. Charles Darwin never met a baseball enthusiast from Chicago when determining his theory on "Origin of the Species."
  2. Success isn't the product of a slopshot.
  3. Why is it called a tee shirt?

September 24, 2007

God, Howard's End, Red Wine

  1. I am not God's gift to anything. Anything good is God's gift to me.
  2. I do not want to see "Howard's End." Please.
  3. Red, red wine might make you feel so fine at night, but beware the next morning of red, red booze, as you might feel the blues.

September 23, 2007

American Pie, Real Estate Women, Pickles

  1. We know, according to Don McLean's "American Pie," about the day when the music died, but when was it born?
  2. Women who sell real estate scare me. Might be the forced smile with the forward "Look at me, I'll ream ya" lean. That is the same look men who sell cars have, and that guy who sells books about vitamins on infomercials.
  3. Not everything can be pickled.

September 22, 2007

Don't Tase Me Bro T-shirt

Don't Tase Me Bro T-shirt

Andrew Meyer's self-righteous cry, "Don't Tase Me Bro," takes on new heights of whining. So impressed, we thought we'd send a shout out to him for his freedom of speech. As fun, silly gifts go, this is up there.

Lots of colors, designs, buttons, mugs with this design here:

Don't tase Me mug

Chopsticks, Twisted Tongues, Sharks

  1. Chopsticks do not chop well. Giving me two of them does not increase their effectiveness in this regard.
  2. No tongue has ever been twisted so much that it cannot be unspun. The same cannot be said for twisted minds.
  3. Contrary to popular belief, sharks do not care what you ate for lunch and do not say, "Crikey!" when encountering an ill tasting human. Not even in Australia.

September 21, 2007

Rocky Balboa, David Letterman, Soccer Moms

  1. Chicago's Grant Park border, Balboa Drive, is not named after Rocky Balboa. Yo, Adrian!
  2. David Letterman has probably heard of the musical group, the Lettermen.
  3. Most sports rivalries exist in newspapers, not stadiums, except when referring to over-torqued soccer moms at their children's games.

September 20, 2007

Cows, Planned Parenthood, Free Willy

  1. Cows are not known for jumping, nor dogs for laughing, and the scandal of the dish and the spoon remains yet unproven... yet, we all know the story.

    Hey diddle diddle,
    The cat and the fiddle,
    The cow jumped over the moon,
    The little dog laughed to see such a sight,
    And the dish ran away with the spoon.
    And the dish ran after the spoon.
  2. Planned Parenthood is more famous for their abortion clinics than their birthing and parenting clinics.
  3. The movie "Free Willy" has nothing to do with a kindergarten teacher's unwillingness to show Franco Zeffirelli's sexy version of William Shakespeare's play "Romeo and Juliet."

September 19, 2007

Chicken, Roosters, Bratwurst

  1. Chicken, like its ancestor, eggs, will stink up a sink if left in the drain unattended for a week.
  2. Have you ever met a rooster named Ichabod that crows from the top of a cathedral?
  3. After eating a fifth one, bratwurst becomes bratworst. Look it up. Better yet, try it.

September 18, 2007

O. J. Simpson, Avenues, Coffee

  1. Before being arrested for allegedly robbing a hotel room, before being found liable for the death of his ex-wife, before making movies and Hertz TV commercials, O. J. Simpson played professional football.
  2. There are funnier words than 'avenue.'
  3. No matter how often you reheat coffee, it is never as good when it first left the carafe.

September 17, 2007

Businessmen, Cigarette Butts, Fools

  1. Wearing a suit, and having a website domain ending in dot biz does not make you a savvy businessman. It makes you a man in a suit with a dot biz website. Making unusually more than you invest makes you a savvy businessman.
  2. Cigarette butts in front of a health food store are like candy wrappers outside of a Weight Watchers meeting.
  3. A fool can be accidentally wise.

September 16, 2007

Vanessa Hudgens, Queen, 100 Years

  1. No one ever said Vanessa Hudgens was a girl with good morals.
  2. The British rock music group, "Queen" asked a question as it began "Bohemian Rhapsody" from their album, "A Night At the Opera." They wanted to know, "Is this the real life, or this just fantasy?" The answer is no.
  3. In 100 years, the author of this blog, and you, will be forgotten, as will the importance of this entry, which should never be remembered.

September 15, 2007

Dashes, Death, Catholics

  1. Dashes and hyphens are not the same.
  2. You die when you are done living, but you can't start living until you are done dying.
  3. Most of the hardship of growing up in a Catholic school is a myth or exaggerated. Many teachers aren't even Catholic, and many students aren't devout.

September 14, 2007

Books, Humility, Barefeet

  1. Books are good food. Wash them down with coffee. (see the Brockeim-style mug)
  2. Humility sometimes lets the other person shine.
  3. An advantage to being barefoot is that no shoelaces are ever broken.

September 13, 2007

Sunny days, Gold Bond, Julia Roberts

  1. Sunny, blue days should not be a contradiction
  2. Gold Bond is not 007's alter-ego arch-nemesis.
  3. Julia Roberts, the classy and sophisticated actress, most famous role is when she played a whore. She will always be best known as a woman who sold her body.

September 12, 2007

Pigs, Talking, Opium

  1. Pigs cannot fly. They never have. At least, not without the help of an airliner.
  2. Until it is finished, you've not done it. It is still just talking.
  3. Opium, a drug considered sinful if used by Muslims, is a primary export of the predominantly Muslim country, Afghanistan.

September 11, 2007

Cool Sunglasses, Smokers, Apologies

  1. Roy Orbison wore cool sunglasses, but was not a member of the Blues Brothers or ZZ Top. None of the sunglasses in question, though, are ones worn by Tom Cruise in "Risky Business."
  2. Smokers who protest pollution are full of it.
  3. I am unable to apologize for things other people did. Sorry about that.

September 10, 2007

Tomorrow, Dogs & Cats, Radio

  1. Today can only repeat itself tomorrow. It's not that deep.
  2. The argument regarding dogs and cats can be settled by war, but the cats won't bother and the dogs, when it comes down to it, just want to chew on something.
  3. The best songs are on the radio just as you pull into the parking of an important meeting. Try it.

September 09, 2007

Skunks, Apostles, Pollution

  1. Lemon juice, smelled at full intensity, will remind you of a skunk's perfume de jour.
  2. Yoda was not among the 12 Apostles. Neither were you. And, just because you and Yoda aren't doesn't mean they weren't.
  3. Bumper stickers never win arguments or stop pollution.

September 08, 2007

Buddy Holly, Divorce, Chocolate

  1. Buddy Holly was not the lead singer of the Hollies, but he still was not known to be heavy.
  2. "If at first you don't succeed, trial and trial again." - Divorce lawyers
  3. Chocolate cake, like chocolate chip cookies, are on the list of the world's most perfect foods.

September 07, 2007

Howard, Jerry Lewis, Sherlock Holmes

  1. Feel as you do toward Howard, 'Howard' does not rhyme with 'toward.' 'Towered' does rhyme with 'Howard' and, depending on your accent, 'toured' rhymes with 'toward.'
  2. "Sticks and stones may hurt my bones, but words will never hurt me," is not a phrase used in litigation involving a defamation case, or things Jerry Lewis may have said.
  3. Sherlock Holmes is not a house security device.

September 06, 2007

Nakedness, Fosset, Listening

  1. Naked people never wear ties which do not match.
  2. Steve Fosset is not a brand plumber's prefer.
  3. Until you learn to listen, you do not deserve to speak.

September 05, 2007

Truckin', Doors, Literacy

  1. You cannot "keep on truckin'" while sitting on a couch.
  2. 'Close the door' is one of the most mysterious phrases in English.
  3. Literacy should mean more than 'able to read' but, also, 'actually does read'.

September 04, 2007

Google, Superman, Ingestion

  1. Barney Google was a comic strip character, not a search engine CEO.
  2. If "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus," Superman wasn't. He was from Krypton.
  3. Ingesting too much moonshine muddies the view of the moon on a clear night.

September 03, 2007

Beer, Freeways, Self-discipline

  1. Some beer will cause a fight. Lots of beer will stop a fight.
  2. Freeways are named as such in reflection to the cost to the driver, not the taxpayer.
  3. Self-discipline needs no reward to compensate for the sacrifice.

September 02, 2007

Pool, James Bond, Apples

  1. You can play pool. You can play in the pool. Playing pool in the pool is another matter all together.
  2. James Bond is not a type of glue.
  3. Mix all the apples with oranges you like, but expect little more than fruit salad.

September 01, 2007

Dreams, Pigs, Water

  1. Dreams remain dreams so long as you remain sleeping. Wake up and get on with it.
  2. The Three Little Pigs did not sing back-up to Gladys Knight.
  3. Water washing on the shore can be soothing, but take that water and drop it slowly from a faucet, and be driven mad.