October 31, 2007

Atheists, Your Momma, Kleenex

  1. The atheist trying to convert a deist still has faith he is right.
  2. Tomorrow is just one of those days your momma warned you about. Happily, tomorrow never comes.
  3. Kleenex® is not known for its 'ex' cleaning, but for wiping another orifice. If an ex needs cleaning out, see your divorce lawyer. It might not fit your original marital vows, but neither does divorce, and you've managed beyond that.


October 30, 2007

Roses, Youth, Christmas

  1. "Roses are red" begins one of the most misleading statements in the English language.
  2. One of the best things about being older is that we aren't young and stupid. We aren't necessarily smarter, but we certainly aren't young.
  3. Remember when Christmas used to be a religious holiday?

October 29, 2007

Chicago Cubs, Jim Jones, Tartan Skirts

  1. The Chicago Cubs are doing their part to keep Hell as warm as it has always been.
  2. Murderer Jim Jones did not use Kool-Aid to kill his followers.
  3. A Scotsman off-kilter does necessarily mean he left his little Tartan skirt on the floor, though, with enough beer, the two are not necessarily exclusive.

October 28, 2007

Websites, Klingons, Dead People

  1. Brockeim.com is the most important website anywhere, except for yours. Bits of Nonsense Come in Threes is a very close third.
  2. Star Trek's Klingon race was not famous for their coffee beans.
  3. The dead never choose anything. Too many of the living don't either.

October 27, 2007

Doing, The Blues, Contentment

  1. Is it better to say you are something, or better to be something? Stop talking, start doing.
  2. Why is that sometimes on days we have the blues, our eyes are red?
  3. No one who wants more contentment is.

October 26, 2007

Futility, Rest in Peace, Refrigerators

  1. Say what you will about futility. If I wanted to do the sensible thing, I would be doing something else, now wouldn't I?
  2. RIP, or "rest in peace" is a phrase often written, often said, but rarely read or heard by whom it is addressed.
  3. Refrigerator doors sometimes sound like a cat's meow when being opened.

October 25, 2007

To Be, Weight Loss, Coffeehouses

  1. The verb "to be" can be one of those most violent concepts rarely employed.
  2. Weight loss is simple: eat fewer calories than you burn. The rest is marketing, dreams and money. Eating less saves money. Buying books costs money.
  3. Coffeehouses build friendships. Call a new friend for coffee today and see if it is true.

October 24, 2007

Dead Leaves, Snarks, Horse Eaters

  1. When a leaf falls, it is already dead.
  2. Why did he hunt a snark?
  3. No one who has said, "I could eat a horse," has proven this point.

October 23, 2007

Noah, Rib Eyes, William Shakespeare

  1. God's message to Noah about the Ark wasn't, "If you build it, they will come," though, he built, and two-by-two, they came.
  2. Rib eyes. That explains why we eat beef. Had their eyes been located in a more strategic position (their head is a reasonable place), perhaps we never would have caught them.
  3. Will power was not a form of electricity generated by hooking William Shakespeare up to a currency converter.

October 22, 2007

Religious Arguments, Bullets, Sharp Clothes

  1. The day after we die, all religious arguments cease.
  2. Bullets in a holster at the end of a gunfight means either you are a great shot or a dead man. Reload often.
  3. Clean, sharp clothes, and a haircut, are sometimes the difference between the mailroom and your own office. Insecurity often stops us from getting the clothes pressed and the haircut, because then we'll know whether or not we could really handle success.

October 21, 2007

Wisdom, Ogden Nash, Conception

  1. When wisdom is stronger than pride, the room becomes quieter.
  2. Speaking of nonsense (and that's pretty much all you'll find here), read Ogden Nash, Edward Lear and Dorothy Parker.
  3. No one has proven life does not start at conception, so quit saying it doesn't.

October 20, 2007

Bottomless Coffee, Bob Dylan, Merv Griffin

  1. There is no such thing as a bottomless cup of coffee. What would hold the coffee in the cup?
  2. One man's science is another man's god. Bob Dylan, the cynic turned Christian, says, "You gotta serve somebody."
  3. Merv Griffin composed the theme to TV game show Jeopardy! It was called "A Time for Tony" as a lullaby for his son.

October 19, 2007

Peanut Butter, Romance, Cynics

  1. One man's peanut butter passion is another man's smear campaign.
  2. You can have love without romance, but cannot have romance without love.
  3. No one likes being a cynic. Rarely do we hear, "Hey, look at that cheerful cynic."

October 18, 2007

Dalai Lama, Elvis Presley, Wasting Words

  1. The Dalai Lama eats and lives more luxuriously than many middle class Americans.
  2. When the Earth finally gets blown to smithereens, roaches, taxes and you will be gone. Whether Elvis Presley will survive is unknown, but he will be all shook up.
  3. Wasting words tires both the tongue and the ear.

October 17, 2007

Two Wrongs, Buckets, The Right Thing

  1. Two wrongs do not make a right. Two lefts will make you a terrible dancer.
  2. "Corporate Speak:
    When someone says, "Which bucket does this go in?" they mean:
    A - Which predefined category should this be described?
    B - They are thinking outside of the box, and in buckets.
    C - Bucket is a slang term for trash can, and they have no respect for the idea.
    D - Bucket is the long form for "buck" as in "The buck stops here," and they want to know who has responsibility for the project."
  3. If we did everything we told other people to do, what a different place this would be. It matters, naturally, if you encouraged the guy to do some great thing, or told him to go to hell.

October 16, 2007

Homelessness, Fortune Cookies, Romeo and Juliet

  1. Whatever day this is, it is a good day to give $20 to help the homeless, the hungry, or the sick. Yes, they'll be hungry tomorrow too.
  2. Your fortune cookie should not say, "Inspected by #843."
  3. Romeo and Juliet married about the same age as Jesus Christ's parents, Mary and Joseph.

October 15, 2007

9-11, Sucks, Moon

  1. 9-11 is not a marketing program of the 7-11 grocery and convenience stores. Rather, 9-11 is marketing for Al Qaeda, the proponents of hate, violence and murder.
  2. How is it that something that sucks also blows? Aren't these in contradiction?
  3. Look at the moon. It is round, sure, but does it really look like a big pizza pie?

October 14, 2007

St. Peter, COB, RRRR

  1. Two things may be on our lips as we meet our maker in our oldest years, favorite hymns and psalms, and TV commercial jingles. Knowing 588-2300 will not impress St. Peter.
  2. "Acronymically Speaking:
    The acronym COB means:
    A - When a marketing item is too corny, it is 'COB', as in corncob. It is considered a pejorative term.
    B - Close of business - refers to when something will be delivered, at the end of the given day.
    C - Causing opportunity to bounce - used as a management program to reward forward-thinking sales staff who discover a new way to reach our market
    D - Continue our business - refers to remaining focused when national or international stresses hit the market, like power outages, a national crisis or running out of coffee."
  3. Need some R&R? If it works well, it puts the RRRRR back in. Pirates love it.

October 13, 2007

Moonshine, Hell, Rosie O'Donnell

  1. Moonshine and sunshine can be enjoyed by the same person at once, and each will help him feel warmer.
  2. Hello' is not a dyslexic's way of saying, "Oh hell!"
  3. It will not be long before we are forgotten. Rosie O'Donnell, however, will beat us to this distinction.

October 12, 2007

Charlie Brown, Dandelions, Brats

  1. If Charlie Brown fought Dennis the Menace, one stipulation would be no slingshots, and no tag-teaming with Football Lucy or Joey "The Mauler."
  2. Dandelions are underrated. Roses are overrated. Tulips, though, are fairly considered.
  3. If a brat eats a brat, how do you know which is which?

October 11, 2007

White Castle Hamburgers, God, Big Apple

  1. White Castle, the fast-food restaurant company, uses the term "Slyders" to call their hamburgers, after its heavy use in the public parlance. Apparently executives are unaware that, on the street, 'sliders' in relation to White Castle hamburgers, refers to their ability to quickly cause diarrhea soon after eating them. Bon appetit!
  2. God has not died. No body has been found.
  3. The Big Apple imports its apples.

October 10, 2007

Albert Camus, Earl Grey, Al Gore

  1. Albert Camus and Agatha Christie had lots in common. Both wrote books about death (and are, themselves, dead), and had the same initials.
  2. Earl Grey is not a dyslexic's way of describing his real graying hair. What? As opposed to his graying hair transplant? Either way, it's tea time. And, no, Rogaine is not a Rooibos herbal variety.
  3. We know Al Gore believes he invented the internet. Did you know George W. Bush thinks, though, they named it after him? That's why it begins 'WWW'. Oh, Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! However, most impressed is Bill Clinton, who sees the internet personally designed for him as a dating service.

October 09, 2007

Bobby Jones, Ernie, Book Gossip

  1. Legendary golfer Bobby Jones never said Tiger Woods was the best golfer ever. Jones died in 1971. Woods was born in 1975 and was not in golfing limelight until 1977 (he putted against Bob Hope on the Mike Douglas Show)
  2. "Vo, vo vo deo.
    Rub a dub duckie, you're the one."
    -So saith Ernie, in his ode to his buddy who cute and yellow and chubby."
  3. Book gossip? A lot happens between the pages that no one ever talks about.

October 08, 2007

Beer, Blogs at Work, Belief

  1. Beer does not count as 'grain' in the food group pyramid.
  2. Let's try this again. Why are you reading this blog? Because it is better than working, that's why.
  3. Stand up for you believe when there is no camera, and then you know you really believe it.

October 07, 2007

World Peace, Bill Withers, Agreements

  1. If protesting improved world peace, we'd have it, but more noise just means more noise.
  2. Bill Withers, who wrote the lyrics, "Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone," is still with us, as is his wife, Marcia. Marcia, we presume, leans on him when she's not strong.
  3. Most of what we read we already agree with. You can say that again.

October 06, 2007

iPods, Healthy People, Pig Sty

  1. iPod does not mean Idaho Potato Orators Department.
  2. All healthy people die. It just takes them longer.
  3. A pig sty, and an eye sty are very different things. The ability to see the one while enduring the other can be most difficult.

October 05, 2007

PETA, Color Blindness, Johns

  1. Yet unconfirmed, PETA is rumored to have recently included a "necessary killing" clause in their membership application, permitting mosquito slapping and tapeworm extraction. No mention if toe fungus made it through this year, despite the heavy fungal-for-life lobby.
  2. Color blind people still can tell the difference between the tastes red and purple.
  3. Some great men over the years have been named John. Some fools too. Some were the same man.

October 04, 2007

Book Lover Mugs: Books are a friend which never imposes, but is always with you only slightly less intimately than God.

Books are a friend which never imposes, but is always with you only slightly less intimately than God. ~Brockeim.

Tipoe/s haPin mug (get it? Typos happen.)

make custom gifts at Zazzle

Punting, Lires, Folly

  1. Guessing isn't as wise as thinking. The answer is not always 'C' unless being right is not important. Of course, sometimes, punting is the best option.
  2. Lire, Lire, your Francs are on fire!
    -- What some money says while sitting in a bank's vault on a hot night.
  3. If a guy is proudly building a deck, but it falls into his house, between two or more rooms... did he deck the halls, then bow for his folly (tra la la la la)?

October 03, 2007

G-Men, Charles Manson, Cigarette Butts

  1. The G-Men never used Gmail.
  2. Charles Manson, the selfish murdering pig made famous in the 1960s and now staying in prison until he dies, did not go crazy because of the Beatles' "Helter Skelter" playing on his Apple iPod.
  3. Cigarette 'butts' refer to the cigarette mostly smoked, not to the smoker, despite popular opinion otherwise.

October 02, 2007

Talking, Woodchucks, America

  1. Just because you're still talking doesn't mean I'm still listening. Say it briefly.
  2. Why would a woodchuck chuck wood, even if he could?
  3. The problem in America today is we use our mouth more than our heart, and we use our heart more than our soul. And, it's not just America.

October 01, 2007

Mother Teresa, Monkeys, Outsourcing

  1. Everyone says they admire Mother Teresa, but love watching Britney Spears.
  2. Monkeys are almost always funny, just as gerbils are almost always cute. Nothing good, however, can be said about a mosquito.
  3. Isn't outsourcing the same as using a third party vendor in a capitalistic society?